Season 6, Episode 1: Being Childfree
In this episode, we discuss our personal experiences of being childfree and explore the societal narratives around motherhood. We dive into the cultural, neurodivergent, and personal factors that influence the decision to remain childfree and how to find fulfillment outside of motherhood.
In this episode, we cover:
Why discussing being a childfree woman/AFAB individual is important
The cultural and normative context of motherhood
Understanding your desire for or against motherhood and what are the complexities and nuances of this.
Ruby Warrington’s ‘Motherhood Spectrum’
Reasons why you might not want to be a mother – both in general and factors specific to neurodivergent folk.
Finding meaning in life outside motherhood
[00:01:14] Why Discuss Being Childfree?
Key Takeaways:
This is something that both of us are, and both of us are intentionally, and we realised, ‘Oh, we actually haven't talked about the choice to be childfree and how that can play into your identity.’
We acknowledge that there are women out there, those assigned female at birth out there, who wanted to have children and have not been able to. And for them, they may not necessarily identify in the same way as those in that childfree category, where that's been an intentional choice and sometimes a celebrated choice.
Stigma exists around the choice to remain childfree, often causing discomfort or nervousness in discussing it openly.
All women, regardless of where you sit on the decision or experience of having or not having children, it's really important to actively think about, question, and examine the role of motherhood in society as it's presented to us and how that's set up as the only or the pinnacle way that women can experience fulfillment or purpose.
Regardless of your motherhood status, be gentle with your own feelings when navigating this complex topic.
[00:05:36] The Cultural and Normative Context of Motherhood
Key takeaways:
Historically, women's roles have been shaped by patriarchal systems that valued them primarily for motherhood, limiting their autonomy over marriage, finances, and reproductive choices—especially before the advent of contraception.
Motherhood has been essential to the functioning of capitalist societies, with women’s unpaid labour in caregiving going unrecognised despite the physical, emotional, and mental labour and more involved.
The idea of motherhood as a “divine purpose” persists, rooted in cultural and religious narratives. However, this isn’t the only way women can find meaning or fulfillment.
Society perpetuates the belief that women are biologically wired to be mothers, creating pressure and judgment for those who choose to be childfree, despite the diversity of experiences and desires among women.
Fear of disappointing family members, particularly in terms of expectations for grandchildren, can make the decision to be childfree difficult, but these feelings often reflect the unmet desires of others rather than the individual’s own choice.
Discussions about being childfree today are only possible thanks to the efforts of previous generations of women who fought for autonomy and control over their lives, bodies, and choices.
There is increasing pressure, particularly from male politicians, for women to have more children to sustain the capitalist economy despite a lack of political and financial support for families, raising concerns about economic needs being prioritised over individual autonomy.
Society’s “social soup”—the collective attitudes of our family, school, and society at large that we've been immersed in since birth—shapes our understanding of what is seen as a “good” or “desirable” life. It influences what you see for yourself in the future, what you want, what you are told is rewarding and what is a life you shouldn't want. This includes stereotypes about unmarried, childfree women, who are often portrayed as “spinsters,” pitiable and destined for ten cats and loneliness, reinforcing negative societal views on choosing not to have children.
[00:24:20] Understanding Your Desire for or Against Motherhood
Key Takeaways:
Metacognition, the ability to reflect on our own thinking, is a powerful tool that helps us explore our feelings about motherhood. It allows us to question whether the traditional narrative of motherhood resonates with us and helps us make more intentional decisions.
Without a clear purpose beyond motherhood, some women may experience a psychological vacuum, leading to distress. It's crucial to actively seek alternative sources of meaning and fulfillment if motherhood is not part of your life path.
“And that’s why we want to talk about this, because every role has a value, even if it’s not the dominant role. ”
Women who actively choose not to be mothers often face harsh societal judgments. They are frequently labelled as selfish, unloving, or even unable to understand their own desires, with the assumption that they will eventually regret their decision.
Not everyone experiences a strong “yes” or “no” desire regarding motherhood. For many, their stance on motherhood is shaped by personal experiences, societal pressures, and the evolving context of their lives.
Ruby Warrington’s Motherhood Spectrum offers a more nuanced view of the decision to have children, recognising that people often fall somewhere between a definitive choice to have children or remain childfree.
Understanding your desire for or against motherhood involves self-reflection on your personal values, goals, and external pressures. Recognising what feels right for you rather than conforming to societal or family expectations is essential.
[00:35:40] Reasons Why You Might Not Want to Be a Mother—both in general and factors specific to neurodivergent folk
Putting words to our experiences and sharing stories is essential, as these provide frameworks that help us understand ourselves. Without these verbal frameworks, our experiences can feel nebulous and challenging to process.
Some people choose not to become parents because they deeply understand their own needs and preferences, such as the need for freedom, privacy, and alone time. These may not align with the constant demands of nurturing and caregiving required in parenthood.
Some individuals may recognise from a young age that they lack a maternal instinct or interest in traditional symbols of caregiving, such as dolls or toys like Barbies.
Physical and mental health considerations are crucial for some individuals in deciding whether to have children. For those with chronic health conditions or caregiving responsibilities for others, the additional stress of parenting may feel unmanageable.
“For women who do want kids, these are all just, “Okay, yep. That’s something I might have to work out, or I might have to think about that,” or whatever. Our intention here is more that it’s okay if you’re more on that no side. It’s okay for these things to be big factors in your decision not to have a child.”
For people who are a firm "yes" on motherhood and really want kids, none of these challenges may be a deterrent. Even if some parts of parenting aren't ideal, the meaning and joy they get from having children can make it all worthwhile.
The gender norms around parenting often lead to an unfair distribution of unpaid labour, sleepless nights, and the mental load falling disproportionately on women. This can be a significant deterrent, particularly when societal structures do not provide adequate support for mothers.
The societal narrative often labels women who choose not to have children as “selfish,” whether it's for prioritising their own happiness, well-being or even how they spend their money. But just like people choose to be parents because they want that experience, it’s equally valid to choose not to have kids simply because you don’t want to. Making life choices based on personal desires, including financial decisions, is valid and doesn’t require any more justification than the choice to become a parent.
“I often think about it in the sense of looking back at all the generations of women that have come before me. Now, of course, some of those women definitely wanted to have kids and loved being mothers and really enjoyed that role of motherhood. But just from a statistical point of view, there would have absolutely been women in that line who loathed being forced into motherhood, who hated not having a choice about how they wanted to spend their life, who had other things that they wanted to do to feel fulfilled.
And I almost feel my decision to say, “No, I’m not going to be a mother,” is a way of honoring some of those women and healing some of that trauma that’s been passed down through generations through women who had to do something that they didn’t want to do.”
For those who feel ambivalent about motherhood, the lack of societal support for mothers, especially working mothers, can be a significant deterrent. The pressure to "have it all" leads to burnout and exhaustion, as modern society no longer provides the mental, emotional, and physical support systems that once existed for mothers.
Many who were parentified as children—taking on adult responsibilities at a young age—may feel emotionally exhausted and seek to use their adulthood for personal growth and freedom, rather than repeating the caregiving role through parenting.
Neurodivergent-Specific Key Takeaways:
For many autistic individuals, the volume of uncertainty around parenthood—from pregnancy and childbirth to the unpredictable developmental stages of raising children—can push them towards a “no” or highlight the need for additional support if they choose to have children. The lack of control over routines, bodily changes, and a child’s needs may create significant anxiety.
Weighing the effects of sleep deprivation is crucial, especially if there’s a family history of sleep disorders. For some, the impact on mental and physical well-being makes prioritising self-care, such as maintaining basic daily tasks like meal prep and hygiene, more important than taking on the responsibilities of parenthood.
For ADHD women, the demands of executive functioning, especially when managing parenting, work, and relationships, can lead to significant stress or burnout. Some may choose to remain childfree to prioritise their own executive functioning needs and avoid the additional strain of raising children, recognising that the balance between these responsibilities can be overwhelming.
For some people, especially autistic women, relationships with animals can be a special interest and a primary source of connection, meaning and fulfillment, especially for those with a strong bond with the natural world.
Some people may choose to prioritise their interest in social justice work and activism over having children, dedicating their time, energy, and resources to addressing inequities and fighting for change.
Sensory processing challenges, such as sensitivity to noise and touch, can play a significant role in the decision to remain childfree. The unpredictability of children’s sounds and movements can be overwhelming for some neurodivergent individuals.
[01:07:21] Finding Meaning in Life Outside of Motherhood
Seeing yourself in cultural stories or archetypes helps create a framework to understand yourself outside of motherhood while placing your personal experience within the broader human experience. This connection offers a sense of meaning rather than isolation.
Various archetypes beyond motherhood with children offer powerful ways for women to understand themselves.
The Warrior archetype resonates with those passionate about justice and activism; the reflective/meditative archetypes appeal to women who find meaning in solitude and knowledge-sharing.
The Artemis archetype, goddess of the hunt and protector of women, embodies both independence and advocacy.
The Maiden archetype symbolises personal quests and self-discovery, focusing on identity and exploration.
The Mother archetype or the Creatrix years doesn’t have to be limited to biological creation. Creation can include building businesses, creating and sharing knowledge, creating art, gardening, etc. It’s about putting something out into the world with the aim to leave the world slightly better or more interesting or more alive.
The Crone phase of life represents wisdom and self-reflection. However, society has distorted this phase by linking it too much to caretaking roles like grandparenting. It's important to recognise the value of moving beyond caregiving and embracing the wisdom and freedom of the crone years.
For many, community-building can be a source of fulfillment, as nurturing and caring for broader networks is another form of creativity and contribution. Even without children, people can play a crucial role in creating and supporting their communities.
Women can embody all three archetypes—the Maiden, Mother/Creatrix, and the Crone—regardless of whether they have children. Each phase represents a different stage of life and provides opportunities for growth and development beyond traditional roles of motherhood.
Society tends to pit mothers against women without children, but it’s crucial to support all women’s choices, whether they choose motherhood or not. Women need the freedom to define their meaning and purpose outside the constraints of societal or patriarchal expectations.
Things we mentioned plus other good resources:
Women Without Kids – by Ruby Warrington, the book and podcast
Goddesses in Everywoman; Powerful Archetypes in Women’s Lives – by Jean Shinoda Bolen
Awakening Shakti – by Sally Kempton
Women Who Run with the Wolves; Contacting the power of the Wild Woman – by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
The Wife Drought – by Annabel Crabbe
Regretting Motherhood; A Study – Orna Donath
The Sacred Canopy by Peter Berger
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