Season 6, Episode 6: Grooming with Anna Clarke
This week, Monique interviews fellow psychologist Anna Clarke on grooming.
As a multiply neurodivergent psychologist, EMDR therapist, and play therapist, Anna is passionate about supporting care teams with a trauma-informed, neurodivergent-affirming lens, and they are experienced in working with survivors of sexual assault and family violence.
In this episode, Monique and Anna unpack this incredibly important topic, including what makes grooming such an insidious, ‘hard to pin down’ practice.
🎧 CONTENT WARNING: This episode discusses grooming and sexual assault. Some listeners may decide to skip this one.
In this episode, Monique and Anna cover:
Anna’s understanding of neurodivergence, their path to discovering their own neurodivergence, and what late identification has meant for them.
What is grooming?
What kinds of relationships have the potential for grooming behaviour?
The distinct phases of grooming.
The factors that increase the likelihood of disabled, neurodivergent, and / or previously traumatised folk being targeted for grooming.
What effect does grooming have on the individual and on their broader support network?
Other forms of manipulation, like love bombing and gaslighting.
Signs to look out for – both in the perpetrator and the person being groomed.
Ways that parents and the broader community can protect vulnerable people from grooming.
Anna’s advice for those who have experienced grooming or who suspect they may be experiencing this.
[00:02:44] What does neurodivergence mean to Anna?
Key Takeaways:
Monique sets the stage for an important conversation focused on grooming, prompted by listener requests and the relevance of past discussions on sexual assault and neurodivergence.
Autistic women, people assigned female at birth, gender non-conforming, non-binary, trans individuals, and members of the LGBTQI+ community are at increased risk of sexual assault, highlighting the vulnerabilities experienced by those within multiple minorities.
This episode aims to offer more information and insights on grooming, a critical topic that needs broader awareness and understanding.
Anna shares that they were late diagnosed as Autistic, receiving their diagnosis three years ago.
Discovering their neurodivergence has reshaped not only how they see themselves but also how they interact with others and perceive differences in general.
Becoming familiar with neurodiversity has allowed Anna to appreciate how different brains process information, deepening their understanding and admiration for these varied ways of thinking.
Anna sees neurodivergence as a source of learning—each person’s unique way of processing the world offers valuable insights when we take the time to listen and understand.
Anna moved from Victoria to Tasmania in late 2020 to complete a provisional psychology internship and found a private practice where several clinicians were openly neurodivergent.
Being in a neurodivergent-friendly environment for the first time made Anna feel like they truly fit in without being seen as "weird."
The supportive environment led to jokes about Anna needing an assessment, and it soon became clear that they were Autistic and had ADHD, with the diagnosis coming as no surprise to anyone around them.
Anna’s diagnosis was a result of immersion in a setting where neurodiversity was openly embraced, something they hadn’t encountered in previous roles in trauma work, social work, and child protection services.
Encountering the concept of neurodiversity in this setting was a revelation for Anna, with self-recognition emerging quickly as they explored the term further.
“I walked into a new private practice where multiple clinicians were openly neurodivergent. It was one of the only places I ever felt I fit in and belonged—where I wasn’t ‘weird.’ My background was in trauma, social work, and child protection settings, and ‘neurodiversity’ wasn’t a term I’d come across yet. So, it was like, ‘Hmm, this sounds a lot like you,’ and once I started reading, I thought, ‘Yeah, that sounds really, really familiar.’”
Receiving a late diagnosis gave Anna clarity, making their life suddenly make sense and helping them understand why certain challenges had always been present.
The diagnosis empowered Anna to recognise and address burnout, enabling them to break free from the constant cycle of exhaustion by setting firm personal boundaries and advocating for their needs.
Anna now confidently expresses when they need more time, don’t understand something, or are experiencing burnout, which has been transformative for their self-advocacy.
Understanding their brain’s wiring removed the notion that something was inherently wrong with them, shifting their perspective towards acceptance and effective self-management.
Despite having multiple jobs and passions, Anna has learned to pace themselves so their workload is sustainable, balancing their many interests without overwhelming burnout.
Forming close-knit friendships with other neurodivergent individuals has been a deeply meaningful experience, fostering genuine connection through shared experiences and mutual understanding.
Monique adds that understanding the “why” behind neurodivergence is often a pivotal turning point for many neurodivergent individuals, providing clarity and direction.
This newfound understanding fosters self-compassion, gradually replacing self-criticism that may have stemmed from struggles to meet neurotypical expectations or keep up with mainstream life demands.
Anna agrees, adding that developing self-compassion after diagnosis is life-changing, but the process involves unlearning long-held self-criticisms and internal narratives, requiring ongoing personal work even after gaining clarity.
The post-diagnosis journey involves continuous learning, unlearning, and adapting, as what works can change from week to week or with new life demands—making it essential to find tools and strategies tailored to how your brain works.
[00:10:06] What is grooming, and why does it occur?
⚠️ Note: Practising self-care when engaging with this subject is essential, as discussing the manipulative lead-up, even without explicit details, can feel unsettling.
Key Takeaways:
Grooming, particularly sexual grooming, is a preparation process where trust is built, access is gained, and detection is avoided, with the end goal of sexual abuse—making it difficult to categorise individual actions as abuse, adding to the discomfort and complexity of the topic.
Grooming is a predatory process that targets vulnerable individuals, distinct from consensual interactions.
Grooming is a deliberate, calculated process involving a significant power imbalance, where the predator slowly builds trust and prepares the victim over time. It differs from impulsive or opportunistic offences.
The predator often “casts out a multiple net at the same time to see who they can trap in it and cast their target pretty wide,” using careful planning and manipulation to achieve their goal.
Grooming involves deliberate, malicious intent, which can be masked by seemingly nice behaviour.
A concept called self-grooming adds complexity, where perpetrators convince themselves that their actions are acceptable—telling themselves, “This is appropriate behaviour” or “They came on to me.” Even when perpetrators later deny malicious intent in legal settings, these are recognised as tactics, further complicating the experience for victims.
[00:16:33] Different models of grooming
Key Takeaways:
Grooming is an under-researched area, but various studies and experts generally agree on five to six broad phases, with Anna referring to five in this episode for simplicity.
Grooming begins with an individual intending to offend, but perpetrators don’t fit typical stereotypes—there’s no specific “look” or profile that defines someone who engages in this behaviour.
Statistically, those most likely to commit sexual offences against children are men in their forties, often married with children, and may appear as “family men” or hold esteemed positions in society.
Grooming is not an opportunistic offence—it involves deliberate planning and premeditation.
However, some instances of child abuse may have opportunistic elements, where abusers exploit a power imbalance, deceiving or coercing a child into acts like exposing genitals or touching in the moment.
Grooming is a highly predatory behaviour involving extensive planning and behind-the-scenes manipulation.
It is common for perpetrators to come from professional backgrounds—such as sports coaches, priests, teachers, and swimming instructors—using their education and expertise to gain access to children.
Breaking the stereotype that grooming offenders fit a particular image is essential for recognising and preventing abuse. While grooming is typically male-dominated, women also engage in it, though less frequently, underscoring the need to move beyond assumptions about what an offender "looks like" to better identify such behaviour.
Grooming isn’t limited to children—adults can also be targeted, though the topic is often associated with child protection.
Adults who experience grooming may struggle with additional layers of shame or confusion, as the behaviour is typically framed around child abuse. However, the common thread remains a significant power imbalance between the perpetrator and the victim, regardless of age.
The grooming process begins with target identification, where the perpetrator selects someone to manipulate. This phase applies to both adults and children, as the offender often holds a position of power or influence over the chosen target.
Power imbalances exist naturally between adults and children due to differences in age, knowledge, and experience.
However, power imbalances also occur in adult relationships, such as between health professionals and clients—where a psychologist, doctor, or support worker can make significant decisions affecting a person’s life and well-being.
These imbalances can compromise a person’s ability to give genuine consent, as the authority figure holds considerable influence over their outcomes.
Health professional law reform and education are critical areas for addressing sexual abuse within healthcare settings.
In Australia, current laws often do not recognise sexual contact initiated by a health professional as sexual assault, largely due to the complexities of grooming and the victim’s compromised ability to consent.
Although such behaviour is treated as unethical conduct that can result in the loss of a practitioner’s license, more advocacy is needed to have it legally recognised as sexual assault.
Survivors of this type of abuse report it as equally devastating as other forms of sexual assault, citing the profound breach of trust.
The inherent power imbalance between health professionals—such as doctors, psychologists, and social workers—and their clients makes it especially harmful when intimate information shared in confidence is used to initiate sexual contact.
It’s important to clarify that it is not merely unethical for a health professional to initiate sexual contact with a client—advocacy efforts are pushing for it to be recognised as more than just professional misconduct.
Current legislation in Australia does not yet fully address the complexities of grooming in healthcare settings, though growing advocacy seeks to bridge this gap.
The grooming process is key to understanding why a client cannot provide valid consent in such situations—it’s not a relationship between two equals, but one shaped by emotional manipulation and power imbalance.
Consent in these cases is compromised by various emotional factors, making it impossible for the client to participate freely and equally.
A deeper understanding of grooming is essential to move beyond the idea that consent is just about saying “yes” to a sexual act.
It’s crucial to examine the contextual factors surrounding consent, rather than assuming that a verbal “yes” automatically makes everything acceptable.
Grooming helps explain how individuals can end up in inappropriate situations—such as sexual relationships with a teacher or therapist—even when they intellectually know such relationships are wrong.
To outsiders, it may appear as though the individual consented, but understanding the grooming process reveals how consent becomes skewed in these dynamics.
Greater awareness of the grooming process is needed to recognise the emotional manipulation that undermines genuine consent.
Monique adds that conversations around consent are increasing in Australia, especially in sex education, but there are still many layers to understanding true consent that requires ongoing education.
Health professionals in Australia are regulated by bodies like APRA, which enforce strict ethical codes and boundaries to manage power imbalances with clients.
Psychologists and other professionals are trained to recognise power dynamics and are prohibited from forming intimate relationships with clients, even outside of therapy.
Certain rules, such as waiting periods and restrictions on social media connections with current or former clients, are in place to safeguard the public from these imbalances.
These boundaries exist not just for professional conduct but to protect public safety and ensure the integrity of therapeutic relationships.
Anna points out that the gradual blurring of boundaries can confuse clients, making it difficult to recognise when something inappropriate has occurred until it’s too late.
Predators exploit these grey areas—such as connecting on social media—making what initially feels off seem acceptable by the time it happens.
Many survivors struggle to pinpoint exactly when boundaries were crossed, as each step appears to follow logically from the previous one.
Understanding the intention behind a behaviour is crucial in recognising when lines are being manipulated or crossed.
While codes of conduct include clear rules, such as “Do not have sexual contact with clients,” many other areas are harder to define due to nuances that predators can exploit.
It’s challenging to create exhaustive lists of “don’ts” since not every action can be clearly outlined or quantified as inappropriate.
Predators often manipulate these grey areas—where certain actions may seem acceptable in some contexts but inappropriate in others.
For example, a health professional might reasonably lend a client a book related to their condition, but offering a less relevant or personal book blurs the line, raising questions about appropriateness.
Understanding these subtleties is essential, as predators exploit small shifts in behaviour to gradually cross boundaries.
Codes of conduct often include broad rules, such as “We can’t form friendships,” without detailing exactly what such boundaries look like, allowing for necessary flexibility.
Some therapist self-disclosures—like sharing lived experiences of neurodivergence—can be appropriate within a therapeutic context, depending on the intent behind the disclosure.
The key distinction lies in the intention: is the behaviour aimed at building genuine therapeutic rapport, or is it a tactic to gain trust for future abuse?
Grooming behaviours can appear identical to appropriate actions, making it difficult to differentiate between the two without considering the underlying motives.
The goal isn’t to be hypervigilant, but to understand protective factors that reduce vulnerability to grooming behaviours.
Sadly, grooming and abusers will always exist, and the focus must be on education and building resilience to minimise the risk.
Predators specifically target individuals with certain vulnerabilities, though the responsibility for the abuse always lies entirely with the predator.
It’s crucial to avoid any perception of victim-blaming—accountability rests solely with the predator for their actions.
Shielding children from the world, such as keeping them off devices or indoors, isn’t a realistic solution.
The focus should be on building protective measures and resilience, so targeted grooming strategies become less effective.
“Unfortunately, these people are out there, but locking kids away or keeping them off devices isn’t the answer. That’s not realistic. It’s about what we can do so that those targeted strategies don’t work.”
[00:31:46] Phases of the grooming process
Key Takeaways:
Phase One: Target Selection
The first phase of grooming is target selection, where the offender identifies someone they believe they can manipulate and abuse without being caught.
Neurodivergent individuals are at higher risk of grooming, making it crucial to address this topic within conversations about neurodivergence.
A common misconception is that the increased risk stems from difficulties with social cues, but this view is overly simplistic.
Research from interviews with offenders in prison reveals that predators look for specific things and even share their techniques online for building trust and gaining access to victims.
Grooming is a calculated, deliberate process, and since predators share information about vulnerabilities, it’s essential that we share and raise awareness as well.
Predators target socially isolated individuals to minimise the risk of being caught, often focusing on those with vulnerabilities, such as communication differences, believing they may struggle to report or describe what happened.
Younger individuals are frequently targeted, as predators assume they can manipulate them into not understanding the situation.
Offenders seek targets they have easy access to, such as students or members of their community club, rather than someone in a setting a few towns over.
During target selection, predators look for specific vulnerabilities that will enable them to progress through the next phases of grooming.
“Neurodivergent people are at higher risk of grooming, which is why it’s important to have these conversations. There’s a misconception that it’s because we don’t understand social cues, but that’s a narrow way of looking at it.”
Phase Two: Gaining Access and Isolating
The second phase of grooming is gaining access and isolating, where the predator seeks opportunities to be alone with the target, creating situations where the child is separated from others.
Anna uses the example of a child but emphasises that this includes adults as well.
Gaining access and isolating involves creating opportunities to be alone with the target to build a relationship and develop trust.
Predators also groom the people around the target to lower suspicion and normalise their behaviour.
For example, a predator might present as a friendly babysitter or a charming figure to gain the trust of parents or caregivers, facilitating further access to the child.
Phase Three: Building Trust or Filling a Need
Phase three of grooming involves building trust, sometimes referred to as filling a need, where the predator creates a bond with the target by meeting emotional or other needs.
Many survivors report that the most harmful aspect of grooming is not the sexual offence itself, but the betrayal of the relationship that the predator carefully cultivated.
Phase Four: Desensitisation and Testing Boundaries
Phase four of grooming involves desensitising the victim to prepare them for abuse by gradually testing boundaries and normalising inappropriate behaviour.
This might include subtle actions like running a hand down the victim’s arm or exposing them to pornography—behaviours intended to gauge the victim’s response without initiating direct abuse.
The goal is to condition the victim, making such actions seem normal and reducing the likelihood of resistance when more overt abuse occurs.
Phase Five: Maintenance of Control
Phase five of grooming is the maintenance phase, where the predator ensures continued access to the victim while keeping them silent.
This phase involves tactics to reinforce the victim’s compliance and prevent disclosure, allowing the offender to continue the abuse undetected.
More on the 5 Phases of Grooming
Phase three, building trust, is insidiously toxic and often misunderstood.
Children are taught that if someone touches them, they should tell someone.
Adults should expect a doctor or professional not to touch them inappropriately.
This skips directly to phase four, missing the critical emotional manipulation of phase three, where trust is built—making the betrayal harder to recognise and even more harmful.
In phase three, building trust, the predator identifies that the person might be lonely or in need of a friend.
They become a listening ear, someone the victim can talk to, saying things like, “You’re beautiful, lovely, amazing”—words the victim may not be hearing anywhere else.
It might be that the victim isn’t fitting in at school, and the perpetrator steps in as a “lovely friend” online or a slightly older male coach who offers support and encouragement on the field.
This isn’t about blaming parents or families; people from all sorts of backgrounds, even with strong family relationships, can be groomed.
For neurodivergent individuals, grooming might involve the predator sharing and engaging with their special interests to build trust, offering an unusual level of focus, attention, and understanding.
For Autistic individuals, this becomes especially risky if their special interest isn’t widely shared, as the predator might seem like the only person willing to engage deeply, saying things like, “I’ve got all the time in the world to listen to you, to hear every little worry you have.”
This intense attention can make the victim feel uniquely valued, further strengthening the bond and making it harder to recognise the manipulation at play.
Parents are encouraged to be mindful of who engages with their child’s special interests, as this seemingly supportive behaviour can become a grooming tactic.
While grooming often involves emotional manipulation—such as expressing “I love you” and saying, “This is what people do when they love each other”—it can also take a more materialistic form.
Predators may build trust by providing access to drugs, alcohol, or other items the victim cannot legally obtain.
In these cases, the predator fills a need or desire, whether emotional or material, further deepening the bond and making the victim more dependent on their attention and resources.
During this phase, the victim becomes increasingly dependent on the predator, who subtly undermines their other sources of support by making comments like, “They don’t understand you the way I do,” or “He shouldn’t have said that to you.”
They make these little comments that subtly start turning the victim against people who do care about them and who love them.
Survivors often describe the experience as intoxicating, as when you're in someone's line of sight, they make you feel that their whole world revolves around you and that you're special and important.
“Predators make subtle comments that turn the victim against those who care about them, and it’s intoxicating. Survivors describe how, in the predator’s line of sight, it feels like their whole world revolves around you—that you’re special and important.”
After realising they were groomed for sexual offences, survivors often face one of the hardest challenges: the devastating sense of being tricked.
Many struggle with thoughts like, “I thought he loved me. I thought it was real. I thought he cared about me,” followed by deep self-blame, believing, “I was stupid to think that anyone in the world would ever care about me.”
Grooming often involves building connections through shared interests, hobbies, trust, and secrets, which blurs the lines between manipulation and genuine friendship, making it harder for victims to recognise or report the abuse.
This confusion allows the abuse to continue for extended periods, as boundaries are gradually blurred and behaviours become desensitised over time in phase four.
In professional settings, the predator may manipulate the victim into believing, “Yes, therapists or psychologists aren’t supposed to have relationships with clients, but we’re different for these reasons,” convincing them that the rules don’t apply to their situation.
Predators targeting children often introduce stories or examples of relationships with large age gaps, framing them as normal to manipulate the child’s perspective.
Over time, they twist and warp the child’s understanding, slowly shaping their worldview to align with the predator’s, leveraging the power they hold over the victim’s life.
This manipulation is like “slow drip poison,” with the victim only realising they’ve been harmed once they are deeply entangled and feel trapped in the situation.
By the time the abuse escalates to physical contact, the victim may actively say “yes” to prove their love or maintain the feeling of being special.
Even if the victim feels hesitant or uncomfortable, they may comply out of fear of making the predator angry or losing the relationship.
This emotional manipulation traps the victim in a cycle where they feel compelled to participate, despite their reluctance, to preserve the connection.
In phase five, the predator maintains control by using emotional manipulation and threats, saying things like, “If anyone ever finds out about this, my marriage will be over, and it will be your fault. I'll lose my kids, and it will be your fault. I'll lose my job, and it will be your fault. No one would believe you anyway.”
Victims are further isolated with statements like, “Your family won’t love you if they find out,” or, “Everyone would reject you for sending a naked photo,” deepening their.
The predator often frames the victim as responsible for their well-being, saying, “You’ll ruin my life,” making the victim feel compelled to protect them despite the ongoing abuse.
The victim becomes trapped in a cycle where the predator is both the source of distress and the only perceived source of comfort, alternating between kindness and cruelty, leaving the victim emotionally stuck and isolated from potential help.
The question of “Why did the person say yes to this?” overlooks the reality that consent in these situations is rarely straightforward—it’s the result of a slow, gradual process of manipulation.
Grooming is a “slow burn,” where emotional dependence, trust, and coercion are carefully built over time, leaving the victim feeling compelled to comply, even though genuine consent was never given.
Predators manipulate victims with guilt and obligation, saying things like, “You owe me. I gave you extra time after school and took you out. It’s the least you can do for me.”
For socially isolated victims, especially those experiencing bullying or mistreatment elsewhere, the predator may still appear as a positive figure compared to others in their life.
Without access to contradictory information or supportive relationships, the victim becomes further entangled in the predator’s narrative, making it even harder to recognise the manipulation.
Neurodivergent individuals are particularly vulnerable to grooming not just due to communication differences but also because their social networks are often small, disrupted, and strained by challenges from multiple directions.
A predator can seem like “Prince Charming” in comparison to the victim’s difficult experiences, further entrenching emotional dependence despite their harmful intentions.
Neurodivergent individuals are often dismissed with comments like, “Your feelings are too much,” or “You’re misunderstanding,” which predators exploit, knowing that others will downplay the victim’s concerns, making it easier to avoid detection.
Grooming is hidden within seemingly harmless actions, like friendship or giving gifts, making it difficult to recognise—while something like giving a teddy bear isn’t criminal, it can be part of a larger manipulation process leading to an offence.
The solution isn’t to make people fear relationships, but to increase awareness of the subtle layers of manipulation involved in grooming, recognising how ordinary acts can be weaponised over time.
Monique adds that grooming is a confusing process, especially for those with additional vulnerability factors, such as being neurodivergent, having a disability, being a child, or holding a position of less power in society.
Many vulnerable individuals are repeatedly told that their instincts and discomfort are wrong, making it harder for them to trust their feelings and recognise when they are being manipulated.
Messages from school or society, such as “Oh, you're uncomfortable. You just have to push through it. You're in sensory overload. You're melting down. You still have to attend and push through it” can make individuals more susceptible to grooming by teaching them to ignore their discomfort.
This invalidation of their instincts leaves victims more vulnerable to predators, as they may struggle to identify and act on feelings of unease or distrust.
Individuals with past traumatic experiences or those who were never taught healthy boundaries may be more vulnerable to grooming, both as children and later in adulthood.
The absence of healthy boundary models throughout life increases the risk of being targeted and groomed, making it easier for predators to exploit their vulnerabilities and take advantage of emotional and relational gaps.
Anna adds that predators actively target individuals, including children and adults, with a history of sexual abuse, knowing their perception of normal boundaries may already be compromised.
Health professionals and support workers engaging in abuse often select sexual assault survivors, exploiting the emotional and psychological vulnerabilities created by past trauma.
Survivors of prior abuse are less likely to recognise or reject grooming tactics, as their boundaries and expectations of relationships have been distorted by previous experiences.
Predators avoid targeting individuals with strong boundaries and support networks, as those individuals are more likely to say “no,” walk away or report the behaviour immediately.
Sickeningly, predators deliberately seek out foster children, kids in residential care, and those involved with sexual support services, understanding that their trauma may leave them more prone to fight, flight or freeze responses, which the predator can further manipulate.
Monique adds that someone might maybe freeze up or shut down rather than be able to push off, walk away, fight, and report it. Because maybe they've been abused previously and weren't able to escape the situation.
“Someone may freeze up or shut down rather than be able to push off, walk away, fight, or report it—because maybe they’ve been abused previously and weren’t able to escape the situation.”
In addition to fight, flight, or freeze, there is a lesser-known trauma response called the fawn response, where the individual complies or goes along with the predator’s actions.
The fawn response involves submitting to the predator’s demands, not out of agreement or willingness, but as a survival strategy when no other option feels possible.
This response can make it difficult for victims to recognise their actions as coerced, further complicating their ability to report or resist the abuse.
During grooming, a victim may initially comply with inappropriate touching, but as it escalates toward sexual intercourse, they may feel increasingly unable to say “no.”
Instead of freezing or resisting, the victim might act as though they are enjoying the situation or even convince themselves they do, driven by the belief that they have no other option.
A major misconception is that abuse is always experienced as something clearly unwanted—when, in reality, the victim may go along with it due to the power imbalance, making it seem consensual on the surface.
Victims often feel they can’t say no to the predator because doing so could result in significant losses, such as, “If I say no, I lose my therapist. I lose my teacher. I lose my coach.”
A common grooming tactic involves creating dependency, such as introducing the victim to drugs.
Victims may also fear emotional fallout, worrying that rejecting the predator will lead to hatred or abandonment.
The fawn response emerges as a way to appease the predator, with the victim going along with the abuse to avoid the perceived risks of saying “no,” as the predator now holds significant power in their life.
Grooming creates profound inner conflict for the victim, who may feel a part of them screaming, “I don’t want this. This is wrong,” while simultaneously experiencing feelings of love, comfort, and dependence on the predator.
Without trusted people to confide in, the victim may question their instincts, thinking, “Maybe he really did mean it innocently,” or “Maybe we are different, like he told me,” as they wrestle with the predator’s manipulation.
The victim often only recognises the extent of the control and manipulation once they are out of the relationship, realising how much the predator skewed their worldview to maintain power.
Survivors often describe coming out of grooming as “waking up from a spell,” realising only in hindsight the extent of the psychological manipulation and control they were under.
The grooming process mirrors the tactics used in cults, involving psychological manipulation, brainwashing, and the gradual erosion of the victim’s autonomy and perspective.
There is an emotional adjustment period for survivors as they process what was done to them, often struggling with attachment to items, such as a teddy bear gifted by the predator, which may hold emotional significance despite the abuse.
The devastation extends beyond survivors to their family, who also feel betrayed, grappling with the fact that they trusted the predator—someone they saw as a respected doctor, coach, priest, or community figure.
Predators often manipulate not just the victim but also the people around them, earning trust and respect within the family and community, making the betrayal even harder to comprehend.
The emotional devastation caused by grooming is immense, not only for the victim but also for their family, community, and others who trusted the predator.
Predators often target multiple people simultaneously, increasing the likelihood that others have also been victimised, which can intensify the survivor's emotional burden.
Victims frequently blame themselves, believing they should have done something to stop the abuse or prevent it from happening to others.
For Autistic individuals with a strong sense of social justice, there is often deep guilt, thinking, “If I had reported it earlier, I could have prevented it from happening to someone else. It’s my fault that it did.”
When the truth emerges, the betrayal profoundly impacts the wider community, leaving people struggling to reconcile how someone they trusted and respected could have caused such harm.
Monique summarises the various layers of trauma involved, highlighting not just the psychological, emotional, physical, and sexual trauma experienced by the victim but also the community-based trauma that arises when trusted figures betray the trust of families and communities.
While grooming causes significant community-level trauma by undermining trust in institutions and individuals who should be safe and reliable, Anna emphasises that the solution isn’t just to erode trust in coaches, health professionals, or teachers altogether, as these figures are essential sources of support.
Monique highlights that one of the most devastating impacts of grooming is the loss of trust in one’s own sense of self and reality, as victims are subjected to manipulation and gaslighting.
Anna explains that grooming not only destroys trust in oneself but also in emotions like love, leaving survivors questioning others' intentions: “Do they love me, or do they want something from me—like sex?”
Survivors may struggle to trust ordinary interactions, wondering if borrowing a book, adding someone on social media, or giving a hug might have hidden motives.
Relearning that these everyday actions can be safe becomes a crucial part of recovery, as grooming distorts perceptions of normal relationships.
Anna emphasises that all human relationships—whether therapeutic, intimate, or platonic—depend on trust, making it especially devastating when that trust is manipulated and broken through grooming.
“Grooming breaks trust in love. Next time someone gives you their number, you might wonder, ‘Do they love me, or do they want something from me?’ It forces survivors to relearn that borrowing a book or adding someone on social media can be safe, and that a hug doesn’t have to lead to sex. All relationships, whether friendships, therapy, or romance, depend on trust—and grooming shatters that.”
When a predator uses connection, love, and care to manipulate someone, it creates deep confusion, leaving the survivor unsure of how to trust others or themselves.
Recovery requires extensive education and support to help survivors understand what happened, rebuild trust in their instincts, and learn to assert boundaries in future relationships.
Even if the survivor had learned these things before, grooming often erodes their trust in their gut feelings, requiring them to relearn and reconnect with their inner sense of self.
[00:56:59] Other forms of manipulation
Key Takeaways:
Monique highlights the complexity of manipulation, noting examples like gaslighting or love bombing, and asks how they can be distinguished from grooming.
Anna explains that it comes down to the intention behind the behaviour.
She might share something personal or give a gift to someone because she genuinely wants to build a friendship, saying, “Hey, here’s something I’m really excited about,” or offering a present with good intentions. However, in grooming, the same actions are used to manipulate and gain control.
It’s the predator’s hidden motives that make the difference—what looks like kindness on the surface is intended to build dependency and trust for exploitation.
We don’t want to put people on alert to everything. Actions like sharing interests or giving gifts are things people do naturally in everyday interactions, making it difficult to pinpoint grooming with a specific example.
The key to distinguishing grooming is not in the individual acts but in recognising a pattern of behaviour over time, where seemingly ordinary gestures are part of a larger strategy to manipulate and control.
“Grooming comes down to the intention behind a behaviour. I might share something with someone to build trust, build a friendship, or say, ‘Hey, here’s something I’m excited about. Here’s a present.’ As I’ve said before, we don’t want to put people on alert. The tricky part is that I can’t give a firm example of, ‘Here’s exactly what it looks like,’ because these behaviours are part of everyday interactions. So, how do we tell it apart? It’s not about the individual acts—it’s about the pattern of behaviour.”
Love bombing occurs when someone becomes the centre of attention very quickly, showered with affection, time, and praise—but this can be difficult to distinguish because it mimics the excitement of a new relationship.
In healthy relationships, it’s normal to want to spend lots of time together and feel “head over heels,” as often portrayed in romance movies. However, love bombing crosses a subtle line—it feels like “a bit too much,” overwhelming the person in a way that can be part of a manipulation strategy.
Anna explains that love bombing can involve expensive gifts, constant attention, and spending excessive time together without giving the other person space.
It often follows relationship ruptures, with sudden bursts of affection and attention that come in hot-and-cold cycles, creating confusion for the recipient.
In healthy relationships, it’s natural to feel deeply connected and focused on a new partner, with oxytocin and other neurotransmitters driving the desire to spend time together. However, love bombing goes beyond this natural excitement, becoming overwhelming and manipulative, where the intensity is used to gain control rather than foster genuine connection.
Love bombing is overwhelmingly intense and often accompanied by excessive flattery and constant praise.
From her experience reviewing transcripts and participating in court proceedings and police interviews, Anna describes how victims are bombarded with affirmations like, “You’re the most special, amazing, talented, beautiful person I’ve ever met,” or, “There’s no one else in the world like you—how do you do it?”
While this kind of attention can feel good initially, the sheer volume and intensity of it become manipulative, designed to overwhelm the recipient and foster emotional dependence.
Anna emphasises that love bombing can be particularly confusing for Autistic individuals, because ‘How do you draw the line? How do you define where that is?’
Through her work reviewing transcripts, Anna noticed that communication from predators tends to contain more frequent compliments and is loaded with excessive adjectives, focusing heavily on making the victim feel like the centre of the world.
In contrast, other correspondence she’s read includes a broader range of topics, with less emphasis on making the recipient feel like the centre of the world.
This distinction—where every interaction in love bombing is centred on admiration and praise—highlights how the intensity becomes a tool for manipulation.
Gaslighting involves convincing someone to believe something false as if it were true.
For example, when a predator normalises inappropriate relationships by saying, “It’s okay for an adult to be in a relationship with a child—look at these relationships with age differences in the media. They were in school at different ages, so it’s fine.”
This manipulation distorts the victim’s sense of reality, making them doubt their instincts and accept harmful behaviour as normal.
Gaslighting involves distorting someone’s perception to align with the predator’s worldview, such as denying events or actions that occurred with statements like, “What do you mean I touched you there? No, I didn’t. I just brushed my arm against you.”
Gaslighting invalidates the victim’s boundaries with predators retreating from accountability by saying, “It wasn’t like that,” or, “I didn’t mean it like that,” making the victim question their reality and eroding their ability to assert themselves.
Anna explains that distinguishing gaslighting from healthy relationships can be challenging, especially when learning to trust your gut.
A key red flag is when you express discomfort or ask someone to stop, and their response is, “You took it the wrong way,” instead of respecting your boundary.
In healthy relationships, if someone is uncomfortable, the other person stops without invalidating their feelings or making excuses.
Monique explains that a clear sign of gaslighting is when you express emotions like, “I feel sad” or “I feel hurt,” and the other person responds with, “No, you don’t,” or “That’s not what happened.”
Gaslighting works by making you doubt your own reality and emotions, undermining your ability to trust your feelings and perceptions.
Anna describes a common form of gaslighting in grooming, where the perpetrator manipulates the situation to make it seem like the victim initiated contact, saying things like, “You touched me first” or “I was waiting for you; I never would have done it first.”
While it might be factually true that the victim initiated a kiss or touch, the predator carefully sets the stage with innuendo and subtle manipulation, leading the victim to believe their action was the natural next step.
This tactic traps the victim in guilt and confusion, making them question their role in the abuse and shielding the predator from responsibility—another form of gaslighting.
Monique points out that grooming involves the displacement of blame and responsibility, shifting accountability from the predator to the victim.
Anna emphasises that the key difference with love bombing in grooming lies in the power imbalance. This isn’t two people meeting, falling in love, and then entering an abusive relationship—those situations involve coercive control and family violence dynamics.
In grooming, the relationship is inappropriate from the outset due to the power imbalance. The predator’s actions, no matter how affectionate or intense, are inherently problematic because they hold a position of authority or influence and should not be engaging in such a relationship to begin with.
Monique explains that love bombing from someone in a position of power—like a boss—raises more red flags for grooming compared to the same behaviour between colleagues with equal power.
Anna adds that power dynamics limit the ability to refuse gifts or attention from figures like bosses, therapists, or teachers, as saying no could lead to consequences, such as missing a promotion, losing access to medication, or being removed from a team.
In these situations, the risk of saying no is far greater than in relationships with peers or friends, reinforcing the power imbalance.
Monique explains that the social and structural context can amplify red flags, especially in relationships with power imbalances.
Anna highlights that grooming often disguises itself as kindness, like taking a child to extra soccer training or giving extra attention to a disadvantaged kid—acts that appear generous on the surface.
The challenge is that people may dismiss their discomfort at the time, thinking, “Something didn’t feel right,” but not wanting to voice concerns to avoid making accusations.
In hindsight, communities often recognise warning signs, such as inappropriate jokes or frequent alone time with a child, but assume that others—like employers—had already assessed the risks.
While some may notice signs of grooming in hindsight, others may feel there were no signs at all, making prevention challenging.
Warning signs of grooming
Key takeaways:
To protect against grooming, it’s essential to notice tangible warning signs, such as someone repeatedly trying to be alone with a person or changing their behaviour when others enter the room.
Rumours or recurring concerns about an individual can also be red flags, as predators often move between positions without charges or records due to the difficulty of pressing charges and survivors’ reluctance to come forward.
Predators are skilled at presenting themselves as trustworthy, charming, or even heroic figures, enabling them to build trust quickly and gain access to new environments.
A potential red flag is when someone moves from community to community, leaving behind comments like, “He always made people feel a little uncomfortable,” or “He’s always had an eye for the vulnerable ones.”
While many well-intentioned people offer support, it’s important to recognise patterns of behaviour, such as giving excessive attention to certain individuals and becoming deeply involved in their lives.
Grooming behaviour often involves singling out specific individuals, in contrast to those who are simply friendly with many people across different groups. Recognising these patterns helps distinguish between genuine kindness and potential manipulation.
Some predators have multiple victims, but grooming often centres around focused attention, finding opportunities to be alone with the target, and isolating them.
Recognising signs of grooming can be difficult because it is subtle.
Pulling someone out of grooming prematurely can backfire—predators plant ideas like, “Mum’s trying to take you away from me because she doesn’t understand,” making the victim more resistant.
Common warning signs include secrecy, such as hiding phones and messages, or being encouraged by the predator to delete messages.
You might also notice shifts in behaviour, like the victim:
subtly concealing what they’re doing on their phone,
spending excessive time alone with the predator,
experiences irritability before or after seeing the predator, even if the victim can’t articulate what’s happening,
may also become reactive when the predator is mentioned, with shifts in tone or behaviour due to fear of revealing too much, thinking, ‘What if I say or do something wrong and someone finds out?’
If something feels off, it’s important to check in gently, as people often reflect later that certain behaviours “didn’t feel quite right” at the time.
Predators in trusted roles may offer excessive attention, such as therapists giving extra time between or after sessions or coaches staying hours after training to be alone with the victim.
Community members may notice patterns, like children frequently visiting the predator’s house or staying late at training sessions, raising subtle concerns.
Victims may exhibit withdrawal from social networks, as predators often try to isolate them from friends, family, and other sources of support.
Maintaining strong, connected social networks is crucial for protection—when a person feels supported and has their emotional needs met elsewhere, predators have less opportunity to gain control.
While it doesn’t require joining clubs or activities, ensuring the person has meaningful connections makes it harder for the predator to establish dominance.
Grooming can be prevented by ensuring a person’s needs are met through healthy relationships, reducing their reliance on the predator.
When needs are fulfilled elsewhere, the person is less likely to tolerate abuse to maintain the relationship, limiting the predator’s ability to manipulate and control.
“Even though these people are out there, we can stop and change it. Ultimately, it comes back to that person not being able to fill that need to begin with—because then the person doesn’t have to put up with abuse to get that need met, right?”
[01:12:05] How to keep loved ones safe from potential grooming
Key takeaways:
Anna highlights that disconnecting from others out of fear increases the risk of grooming, as isolation makes individuals more vulnerable to manipulation.
Teaching children that “adults shouldn’t touch” is important, but it’s equally crucial to educate about the buildup to contact offending—the subtle, manipulative behaviours that occur before physical contact.
Anna emphasises that if something doesn’t feel right—like someone brushing your arm—you have the right to say, “I didn’t like that,” even if the other person dismisses it as a joke.
While accidental actions can happen, it’s essential to validate discomfort and empower individuals to express boundaries.
For children, especially neurodivergent ones, adults must model this behaviour by respecting their feelings. For example, if a child says, “It’s too loud,” instead of dismissing it with, “Get on with it,” respond with, “Okay, what can we do about it?”
“The more we disconnect from each other, the greater the risk becomes. Keeping people locking away from each other and saying, ‘Oh, I can’t trust anyone,’ is actually counterproductive.”
Teaching kids to trust their feelings through everyday interactions lays the foundation for recognising and resisting manipulation, preventing more sinister grooming behaviours.
Affirming neurodivergent individuals by meeting their needs and listening to their voices reduces their vulnerability to grooming.
Forcing behaviours like “You have to make eye contact” undermines this affirmation.
Laying the foundation for boundaries begins years before conversations about sexual consent, teaching children that their emotions and instincts matter.
While campaigns have successfully empowered children to say, “Adults can’t touch my body” or “I have the right to say no,” true protection extends beyond physical boundaries to include trusting emotional discomfort and gut feelings.
Anna stresses the importance of teaching children to trust their gut feelings about what feels right or wrong, comfortable or uncomfortable, and validating those instincts with supportive responses.
Instead of enforcing social rules like, “You have to give this person a hug,” adults should honour children’s boundaries, especially for neurodivergent kids, who are often pressured to conform to norms that feel wrong to them.
Neurodivergent children are particularly vulnerable because society frequently tells them to ignore their instincts, making it crucial to empower them to trust and act on their feelings.
Anna notes that strategies for preventing online and offline grooming differ, and she plans to explore these nuances further in an upcoming presentation on Divergent Futures.
[01:16:20] Anna’s advice for those who have experienced grooming or who suspect they may be experiencing this
Key takeaways:
Anna emphasises that it’s not your fault—a message predators work hard to make victims believe.
Victims often hesitate to disclose abuse, fearing the consequences for the predator, such as losing their role as a coach or therapist, and worry others will hate them for speaking up.
Anna reassures that it’s the predator’s behaviour, not the victim’s disclosure, that causes trouble. The responsibility lies entirely with the predator, not the victim.
If someone discourages you from telling others what they did, that’s a major red flag.
If you feel you can’t share what your teacher, therapist, coach, or any adult—or even someone in a position of power—said or did due to fear of negative consequences, there’s likely something wrong in that situation.
The fear of getting the predator in trouble often traps victims, making them feel responsible for the predator’s fate. However, the truth is that the predator’s actions—not the victim’s disclosure—are what cause the consequences.
Predators often treat victims well at times, adding to the confusion and making it harder to speak out.
Victims don’t need to disclose everything immediately but can start by testing the waters with one trusted person.
If disclosing directly feels unsafe, they can frame it hypothetically, saying, “I heard of this situation—what do you think about it?” to gather information.
Often, survivors don’t realise the severity of their situation until they share it with someone and see their reaction, helping them recognise that what they’ve experienced isn’t normal.
Anna encourages those still caught in grooming to reflect on whether the predator has been isolating them from others and poisoning them against supportive people.
She reassures that, while it can’t be guaranteed, many people will understand once they realise how manipulation was involved and won’t hold it against the victim for pushing them away.
In these situations, people can often be forgiving and willing to offer support once they see the extent of the predator’s influence.
Despite the horror stories, there are many good people who genuinely care and will go out of their way to support survivors.
One untrustworthy therapist, teacher, or authority figure doesn’t mean the next will be the same—there is hope for recovery and opportunities to rebuild.
When the bubble of manipulation bursts, it can feel overwhelming, with survivors wondering, “How will I get my life back?” Yet, healing is possible, and good people can play a crucial role in helping put things back together.
Disclosing abuse is a significant step, and it’s normal to experience a range of emotions—relief, guilt, shame, and elation—all at once.
“For parents, protecting kids isn’t just about the physical side of things—it’s about whether things feel emotionally right or wrong. It’s about teaching kids to listen to their gut’s sensation about those things, too.”
In some cases, contacting family violence or sexual support services may be necessary, and having access to appropriate resources can be crucial.
If the predator still holds control over the victim, genuine safety concerns may arise, making it essential to have a safety plan in place.
Once the predator senses they are losing control and may be reported, the risk of harm can temporarily increase, highlighting the importance of prioritising safety during disclosure.
It’s important to reach out for support and have people around during the disclosure process, ensuring a strong support network.
Fortunately, awareness is increasing, and many trauma-informed professionals and advocates now understand the complexities of these experiences.
While the recovery process can be challenging, there is a way forward—with time, survivors can learn to trust their instincts again.
What Anna would say to the people around the victim is that the trauma of grooming lies not in the sexual act but in the disruption of relationships and the survivor’s loss of trust in themselves and others.
Supporting a survivor means being patient and allowing space for feelings of self-blame or misplaced responsibility, even when it’s obvious to others that the abuse wasn’t their fault.
Survivors have often been brainwashed by the predator, leading them to doubt the love and support of those around them, even though their loved ones would have embraced them from the moment they disclosed.
A survivor’s recovery is a slow process, like sorting through a mental “fungus” left by the predator’s manipulation, requiring time to rebuild trust and reshape their sense of self.
There is a way out of grooming, and the predator won’t hold the same power forever, but safety and support are essential throughout the process.
Reporting to the police is an option, even for adults, and can be worth pursuing if it feels like the right step.
While legal nuances vary between states, territories, and cases, it’s important to know that seeking guidance and asking questions about the criminal process can be a helpful first step for those considering reporting.
Monique underscores the importance of understanding the processes involved in grooming and recognising when someone has been affected, whether directly or indirectly.
She emphasises that trauma-informed support services are available, and awareness of grooming is increasing, which is a positive step forward.
Regardless of where someone is on their journey—whether realising the grooming, seeking safety, or working toward recovery—a strong support network is crucial throughout every stage.
Connect with Anna Clarke:
You can find Anna Clarke over on Divergent Futures:
Instagram @divergent_futures_training
Here are some recommended resources:
Blue Knot Foundation. Call 1300 657 380 or email helpline@blueknot.org.au - Supporting adult survivors of childhood trauma and adult survivors of institutional child sexual abuse around the National Redress Scheme. Also has resources for supporters of survivors.
Check out the National Resource on grooming. This page has all the National information for Australia on grooming, and on reporting grooming or abuse.
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